Wishin' and Hopin' and Thinkin' and Prayin'

I looked at another dozen houses in the new town this week and finally made an offer on this little gem:
They countered, I countered, and now I'm just waiting for their response.

I had hoped to be able to move in before closing and pay rent or something to the sellers for a month but of course I decided on one of the only houses that is actually inhabited. Alas...here's to a month of couch surfing and moving twice (once to storage, once to a --hopefully this--house).

A Rose By Any Other Name

So I ran across one of the lists I started making earlier this year while I was bored at my second job. This particular one is to do with last names I hope never to marry into. I sincerely hope I fall madly, desparately in love one day (sooner rather than later) and cannot wait to exchange vows that will forever connect me to another person and create a new family from that point on. Unless, of course, Prince Charming's last name is one of the following:

Butts (I had a college student with this last name observe my classroom full of 9th graders. You can imagine their snickers)
Dick (enough said)
Funk (by far the least embarrassing of the list, but still...)
Knippelmeyer
Snodgrass
Titsworth (I once had a student by this name. So sad...) or
Weiner

I know, I know, it's so juvenile of me. But I really think if a man by any of those names proposed, I'd definitely have to keep my maiden name. Which is alright, I guess. It's a little unusual so that's good. But I'd love to marry into a distinguished, soap-opera-sounding name like:

Davenport
Valentine or
Winchester

Encyclopedia of an Ordinary Life - G

Gay Bar - so my (totally straight) cousin texted me last week and asked if I'd want to go to see a drag queen show. As it turns out, I did want to go see a drag queen show. My curiosity has been peaked by a friend's stories as well as watching the episode of Sex and the City with the transexual prostitutes. I was envisioning a very glamorous evening of cosmopolitans, a catwalk, and fabulous hair. What I got was a dingy, dimly lit gay bar with awkward people waving dollar bills around and TV monitors with, well I won't go into what was playing on the monitors. To top it off, the queens were less than what I had hoped for. They lip synced and danced (sorta) to songs. Most were bad, a couple were decent, and the one I thought was simply fabulous turned out to be, get this, a real woman! Talk about confusing! The highlight of the evening was when the guy taking the cover charge asked for my ID and he said, "Oh my, I was way off on that one." "I'm sorry?" I asked. "Your age. I always try to guess everyone's age before I look at their ID," he replied. "Oh," I said, "How old did you think I was?" And he said to me, "I seriously thought you were 25 tops. Girl, whatever you're doing, keep on doing it!" I was waiting for a finger snap and bobble head movement but I never got it. I guess I do clean up pretty good after all. The low point of the evening, however, came when my sister and I were leaving the bar together (she drove) and a creepy guy followed us out and asked us if we were "like, uh, lesbians or something?" Ew, we're related! Although given our location, I guess I can't really blame the guy for asking.

Geronimo - ah, my trusty Jeep. My companion for over seven (count 'em, 7!) years. I really miss being in an SUV these days. I'm not so sure that the savings in gas mileage is really worth it or not. And his storage capacity! No way his windshield would have cracked under the pressure of fitting in an awkward piece of furniture. I miss him. At least he died a hero. He went out in a blaze of glory. Okay, okay, it was more like a puff of smoke that left me stranded on the highway.

Greta (the Jetta) - my newest liege. So far so good except for, of course, that pesky windshield incident...bygones! I'm envisioning many years of her company. I don't talk to her or pat her quite as much as I did Geronimo but I'm sure time will change that.

Guilty Conscience - I don't know what it is but I almost always feel like people are watching me when I'm out shopping. Like they're just waiting for me to shoplift something. Even though I know certain stores make bogus announcements like, "Security, sweep section four," I always freak out and wonder if I'm in section four. I worry about draping my jacket over my arm if I'm too hot because I don't want them to think I'm trying to cover up something I'm trying to swipe. I wonder why I carry such a big purse because that's gotta be a sure sign I want to fill it up with "freebies." I wonder why that woman (she must be undercover security) keeps walking by me because she's gotta be checking to see if I'm trying to put a lipstick in my pocket or something. I know, I know, major paranoia. Where did it come from?! I mean, there was the incident with the Snoopy pencil set thing I was like seven or something but that's been over 25 years ago! I mean seriously, what gives?!

The Kid Is Ten!

Ethan turned the big one-oh yesterday. Double digits, people! It's been years since I've been able to celebrate his actual birthday with him. And after spending the evening with nine 9-year-olds, it may be years 'til I do it again. I'm so not joking...

The balloons on his cake reminded me of some of the pictures I've seen on Cake Wrecks!

Encyclopedia of an Ordinary Life - F

Family Reunion - in August all of my grandmother's siblings and their respective offspring will head to Arkansas for our not-so-annual family reunion. Used to get together almost yearly but as time has gone by it's been less and less often. I skipped a few during my college years and beyond and only attended the last one in 2004 because it was in town. But I'm biting the bullet and heading east this year. I even signed up to be in charge of the t-shirts and family photo session. Go figure!

Farfegnugen - Greta the Jetta = pure German driving pleasure. Minus, of course, the cracked windshield.

Foster Kids - A few years back I decided to sign up to be a foster parent. There were a couple of different reasons that all collided at the time and I decided to go for it. Definitely the most meaningful experience of my life to date. It was so, so hard and there were times I was ready to give in but having those little girls in my life for what little time I did was so amazing. I'm in awe of my mother for raising both me and my sister on her own and think all single parents deserve medals. It's a crazy business!

Miss K. Only had her for six weeks but she was a firecracker! Such big eyes and a twangy little voice.

Little Miss M. Got her two days after her 1st birthday and had her for almost two full years. She still has my heart.

FREE - How can you pass up free stuff?! Here's my lastest free find...the awfully tacky headboard that is soon to be transformed into what will hopefully be pretty posh in an Urban Outfitters kind of way once it receives its glossy black paint job. Thoughts?

F*ck - For those of you who may not know I do indeed have a potty mouth. And my wordy dird of choice seems to be f*ck. Not freak, not frig, not eff, but f*ck. I don't know excactly when it creeped into my vocabulary but having worked with the people I have for the past four years (not talking about the children, mind you) it just rolls off my tongue now. It's kind of liberating for some odd reason. When I stub my toe: "F*ckin' A!" When I'm ready to give up, "F*ck it." And my personal favorite, when someone cuts me off on the highway: "F*ckwad!!!"

Designed to Sell

This sign was found in my attic shortly after I moved in. This is how my house got her name!

Well, the house is sold. Signed all the papers this morning. Never even got to be listed. Loraine is that amazing. Still taking care of me all these years later! Closing on the 24th. That gives me two and a half weeks to find a new place to live. Brilliant. Just brilliant. I'm living in a sea of boxes right now.

I'm sad but I know it's time to move on. I cried the night before the offer was officially delivered but I haven't since. Eight years. I know it's just a house but she's so much more than that to me. I realize I have a problem of personifying inanimate objects but Loraine is definitely deserving! My protector, my shelter, my independence.

Loraine Body Normalizer Service (no longer) Here.